rodlox (rodlox) wrote,
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repost: X-Men: "Marie is I"

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title: Marie is I.
author: Rodlox.
summary: Rogue recollects. (her POV)
Spoilers: X1, X2.
takes place at the end of the first X-Men movie.
Marie’s POV.
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This morning I’d wished him luck, luck in finding what he was looking for. He asked me to keep watch over his dog tags.

I can’t sleep. It’s night out. I leave the room, and nobody says a word to me. I know the whispers they’ve spoken about me; they who think I can’t hear them.

Down the hall I walk. Down the hall, down the hall in my uncle’s house, passing the painting of a menorah by the top of the stairs. Down the long corridor, wishing for Stryker or some SOB to turn the heating up just a notch, that’s not too much to ask, is it?

I stop, just briefly. Who’s Stryker? And when was there a menorah painting in my uncle’s house? Professor Xavier had told me that my mutation was to absorb life, powers. So what gives?

What’s up, bub?

Most curious.

I resume walking, down the hall some more. Turn at the corner, tuning out the sound of repair work further down the dam, ignoring the sound of dogs barking. Down the stairs, saying hi to my uncle as he readies things for my cousin’s bat mitzvah.

Across the open space, the little open space where you can turn in any direction.

Up and out, get out of bed, you lazy -

I open the door, stepping outside, falling into lockstep with those behind me and in front of me. Great, its raining. Keep moving, you Slavs! I know not to wince or back away when the dogs bark, even when they jump up. They’re on leashes, I’m in a cage.

At least I’m not underwater.

I keep walking. Down the steps, saying hi to the pretty receptionist, the comely girl signing people up for military service, for college applications.

From somewhere, maybe just in my skull, a song plays. Something that I’d heard once. Well, that somebody had heard once...

I wish that you would just leave


But he had left. I had left. Somebody left. Somebody always leaves.

Because your presence still lingers here


Two scenes merged before my eyes, three scenes, four. Brick walkway with cold mud, then a forest’s fallen leaves, the a football field -- the twenty yard line.

And it won’t leave me alone


It was what I saw. Its what I feel. Feeling like the rain, cold and wet and pattering everywhere like a horde of little kids. Like those toddlers at the zoo, back when I was five, enjoying a visit to Warsaw.

Cold and wet, it melts on my cheeks, but lingers on my clothes. The ragged shirt I wear, the only shirt I have left to me, has become an unnatural white.

The snowfall doesn’t make it any easier to walk, to trudge out at this late hour. Left shoe sticks in the mud, and my foot doesn’t slip out of it. I fall, throwing my hands down to keep from cracking my skull. At least the ground isn’t so jarringly hard right now.

It hurts. The pain just gets to me. My body knits itself back up. Or it should be. Why isn’t it? I stare at my hands, scraped and nearly raw. Damn that roughed-up brick, that ill-placed stone! I should be all fixed up by now.

Its cold. I hate the cold. Not that I’d tell anyone that. My body fixes problems like gangrene and frostbite, but that just means I get them over and over again. Cold and cold and cold.

I wouldn’t say anything. Speaking up just invites pain, invites the SS to pummel me. Bullies. Creeps in the locker room. Bullies, I all have known them.

These wounds won’t seem to heal


They should be healing, they should. Why aren’t they? There some sort of legalese to explain this? Dude, this ain’t good at all.

This pain is just too real


Hurts. No amount of healing, however much I try, can ever stop the pain. Physical and whatnot. ‘Does it hurt?’ the kid asked me once. Only one answer to that: ‘Ev’ry time.’

There’s just too much that time cannot erase
‘Give them a chance,’ </i> Charles asked me. ‘I cannot,’ I’d told him. Too much has been done. And I’ve no doubt that much more is about to be done, and not just by me or thee.

Now I’m bound by the life you left behind


I. Me. We. Thee.

Is this always to be?

Shall it be this way from now until the end?

‘Let us make man in our own image’ says the pastor in my daycare. I am one and many, or am I otherwise?

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams


I couldn’t sleep, so I left the room and started walking. You’re why I couldn’t sleep, Logan, Erik, Paul. And I.

The usual walk into a line-up. Even the starlit night offers neither comfort nor variation enough to soothe me.

Used to be, I would go out to empty fields, lie down, and see how many stars I could recognize. When I was little, I would pretend that Orion and the others could hear me, I’d hold conversations with them.

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me


A shadow falls on me, from a figure backlit by searchlights. All the guards are watching, their guns at the ready.

“Marie?” she asks me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I say to Mrs. Grey -- or is it Mrs. Summers? I want to know. I don’t care to know. Who cares?

Who cares about what happens?

Your eyes, they look haunted, teach’. You okay, Yoriko? You look like you’ve seen better days.

But even the best of days inevitably come to an end.

These wounds wont seem to heal


She held my arm, leading me inside, sitting me down on a chair. She sits on a desk. “Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

Don’t ask about the war. Better to let them think you’re ignorant about the raging conflict, the conflaguration that’s engulfing the world.

Sitting in an office, just one door removed from the outside. A thin wall, brick, immovable. Where’s an Allied bomb when you need it most?

Lift the weights, I’m told. Move the iron so it stays between these points. Stop the bullet.

This pain is just too real


“We’re just going to run a few tests,” I’m told. At least you’re a nice doc.

More tests. And if I perform well, they’ll keep my family alive, spare my friends the horrors of the fate that befalls everyone else.

Special tests, like the ones I underwent last week, when the whole team had drug testing. Just in case.

But you still have all of me


Took blood, x-rays, calipers and bone saws, ‘fun’ with magnets, and...

The list goes on and on, pain and pain is all I recall of those tests. I don’t like needles, and its no wonder.

Shoving Mrs. whatever-her-name-is aside, I barrel past her, slamming into the door that opens for me. They’ll shoot me, I’ve no doubt of that. But I’m too valuable to kill.

I can’t be killed.

Now I’m back. In the open, beneath the vault of heavens. Letting the snow fall on me, the rain, the leaves.

Nobody bothers me.

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone


And with the same quickness that they struck into me tonight, the images fade away. Four becomes three becomes two becomes one. Becomes me, is I.

Logan’s gone biking. Erik’s been arrested. Paul...is hopefully out of the coma.

Faded. Voices in the background.

And though you’re still with me

Though they’re quiet now, they’re all still here. In me. Part of me. I am.

I always will be.

I’ve been alone all along


The one unchanging thing.
--------------
The End.



-----------
MY IMMORTAL- EVANESCENCE
I’m so tired of being here
Surpassed by all my childish fears
If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears
I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captive me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears
I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
And though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
Tags: fanfiction
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